Dear Diary,
Robert picked us up at the mailbox on his way to Church, just like always, and before we even reach the corner, we are already speaking about today’s Circling Year meditation. It is about Judas.
It sits heavy with me.
The meditation speaks about how Judas walks with Jesus, hears His voice, sees His miracles, even shares the bread—yet his heart drifts somewhere else. It says how frightening it is that a person can be so near to Our Lord outwardly and yet so far inwardly. Sister Mary Claire says that is what makes the story so serious. Judas does not begin as a villain. He begins as a chosen one.
Robert is quiet for a while and then says that perhaps Judas did not fall all at once. Perhaps it was small choices, small compromises, small loves that grew bigger than his love for Christ. That part stays with me. It makes the whole meditation feel close to home instead of far away in history.
At Mass, Father LeRoy speaks about it directly. He says the tragedy of Judas is not only betrayal, but that he stops trusting in mercy. He reminds us that Peter also falls, but Peter turns back. Judas turns away. Father says Lent is not given to frighten us, but to ask us gently: Where is your heart drifting? He says it very quietly, and it feels like the question lands right inside me.
On the ride home, the fields are wide and wintery, and I keep thinking how easy it would be to look steady on the outside but be wandering on the inside. I do not want that. I want my inside and outside to match.
Tonight the house is still, and I feel grateful for the warning hidden inside this Circling Year. The Church brings us back to Judas not so we can point at him, but so we can look at ourselves. And maybe turn back before it is too late.
Evening Prayer
Dear Jesus,
Keep my heart close to Yours.
If I begin to drift, please call me back.
Do not let small sins grow into something larger.
Give me Peter’s tears, not Judas’s despair.
Help me trust in Your mercy more than I trust in my fear.
Bless Father LeRoy, bless Robert, bless Sister Mary Claire, and bless Mini.
Hold us near You tonight.
Amen.
Love,
Kathy 🌾
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